Everyone in life suffers an utter shock, something they never expected and it hurts the most when it's from their loved ones. This write up is a traumatic personal experience and I just hope the young audience is able to relate with it to heal oneself.
Perfection is a malady
Aren't we still healing, my love?
Stop letting out those tears
You know I can't be there anymore.
I never faked that smile you know when you said we were perfect.
Until we were not,
I did ask her though,
Did she never tell you?
The pillar you believed she was
For us, rusted when she realized
That you were trying to get serious about us,
She saw how you well you were doing with me,
She saw you getting out of your insecurities
Came the day when she started telling you how toxic you were to her
And how you will ruin my life (too)
How you'll ruin everyone around you
The fumes of angst coming out of your body
Which neither me nor anyone else saw.
No one knew you were suffering
And well, as the person you are
You maintained this image of
She was well aware of my fundamentals, you know
How I wholeheartedly give all of me to the people I love
She saw the chance and took it
With every picture
Every undeserved apology
She rose above me, above us
And with that, my love slowly perished.
But kid, it's still here
The love, the care
The overwhelming urge to give you everything you never got as a child.
The urge to visit your old home, the one where you grew up, the one where you posed as the "unbothered-about-anything" kid.
It's still here, struggling
Struggling to make it's way out of my mouth
Through my words, through my actions
Through my efforts, through my poems!
Even after everything went downhill,
Everything felt degraded, deteriorated
You still told me you loved me and
"Never meant to do anything wrong"
(But I still hear the whispers)
(I still relate to "Deja Vù")
(I am unable to forget the looks)
(I'm unable to forget the words)
With every lie, I lost you
I lost us and most importantly, I lost myself
Did she win though? Did she?
After making me pine over you for hours, for days, for months, the real you!
I want to ask her once,
"What did you get, K?
What did you get out of ruining your best bud?
You happy now? Seeing him crumble to pieces, everytime he realizes his blunders?
You say you don't even love him but why do I see you green with envy when he defends me against your wrongdoings? Tell me, K"
And you, my love
Who was there when you were vulnerable?
Who was there when the storms inside you became intolerable?
When your demons were overpowering you, who showed you light at the end of the tunnle?
Who assisted you in waking up to a brighter day?
Even today, despite all the grudges,
Despite getting my worst nightmares come true in front of my own eyes, hearing words I never thought I'd hear, don't I pull you back again and again and again and again from the outskirts of uttermost darkness?
"Oh love, thou art unpleasant!"
It makes you open up your chest and your heart
and lets the other person just mess you up in their own beautiful ways.
When I told you I loved you, I didn't just say it
I shouted it, screamed it to let my throat rip.
It felt so good that I cried unbearably.
Now I stand at the crossroads,
remembering everything that happened
crushing into the vicinity of the phase that I'm afraid to pass through.
Let alone a life lesson,
you were my angel in disguise,
whom I "unintentionally groomed"
There's no point in reading this and feeling utterly guilty, just tell me what did I do to deserve all this?
The last thing I wanted in my life was an ultimatum, between me and her
"please choose me" I wished.