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The Wavelength of a Human called Lola

My collection encourages those to love the pain endured by heartbreak and explores the journey from a personal perspective/


The night you left

I remember the night it happened

I don't even think you realized

I remember the banging of a shelf

The walls were like paper.

I remember the smashing of your blackberry

The letters were faded.


I remember the screaming

I remember shoving on my tiny wedges at midnight

Walking up that hill I walk up everyday

I don't hold the railing anymore.

I remember an empty flat

The kitchen barren apart from tiger juice and cherry Bakewell's

I don't eat those anymore.


I remember curling up, frightened

And as 6 year old me lied in that bed with my lamb blanket

Wrapped around me, teary eyed,

I knew my life would never be the same.





Pink wedges

The following months after that night were hell

You'd bang on my mothers front door begging for forgiveness

I'd slip my wedges on holding my mothers hand

As she dragged me and my sister to the local Nisa

You'd honk in your car sticking up your middle finger

'd weep

No one would listen

I'd sulk on the way home the sugar melting off my jelly tots

I'd go to bed, eyes sore

Lump in my throat

And you'd go to work





After you left

I struggled to cope with you leaving

I'd grown silent, weary

I learned to stay out of my mother's way

One night she'd ask me to come downstairs

I'd stubbed my toe on the way down and blew my cheeks out like

a puffer fish

I couldn't cry.


She laid there in her velvet tracksuit and asked me to sit on her

lap

She phoned you and told me not to bottle it all up

did

The tv glared as I spoke, lies dripping from my mouth

Later you banged on the door

I lay in my bed silently waiting for the war

But then you knocked.

A mamma mia CD was placed on my bed

I watched it on repeat

Eyes drooping closed cautiously.





Why weren't my tears wiped?

School wasn't much better back then

I remember running around the playground alone

Evervone had someone. Except me.

I used to speak to the care taker

I'd stand next to him at break eating my raisins

When it rained I'd always ask him why it didn't sting my eyes

He'd say it's because it's water

There wasn't much to say to him

But he was someone.





Ring around the Rosie

I had two friends once at your old flat.

One much younger than me, an African boy

Another much older, her name was Charlotte I believe

Them and my sister and I would have picnics on the weekend

There wasn't much food but we'd sit on the shared garden

Eating different flavors of custard creams

The little boy would bring chocolate dippers

Charlotte ham sandwiches

Those were the times I didn't feel so lonely.





Loving you




Time

I miss the days we used to dream

The days when the future was what's and if's

I miss when the week-long bloom of tulips seemed like forever

When the difference between summer and winter felt like different

vears

I miss the then.





You

My heart throbs with the familiar ache

Staring into the distance thinking about the coming pain

And then it comes

A waft of blue and white dictates my eyes

Guarded by the door it looks at me

A tear brims in the corner of a pupil

Threatening to fall

Ruining it all

The stern look and unwavering frown

Unwillingly mellows my soul

Compulsively taking it all


Later I take a turn down the path of hope

I see it again

This time stalking towards me

For a second my lids are flowing with passion

But that is soaked up when you look through me

You know me

Don't you?

That glimmer of passion disappears

Instead replaced by an unfulfilled empty smile

Given to the kind gentle man that passes

Milking me into a puddle of regret


The solemn feeling of being alone

That everybody fawns over

Disappears when the mouth goes dry

And eventually loneliness captures you and i

But to me Loneliness and the sun create an ethereal eclipse

Now the only thing we fawn over is the sun spilling in





Summer kisses

I dream of a valley

Where the soft summer wind plays with our wisps of hair

The water trickling under the blazing heat

Radiating onto our browning backs

Whilst our smiles never crack

Our grins dominate the evergreen trees

And all the flowers that beam

Budding pure excellence

Felling our dreams


The laps of lush green grass wrap around us

Sweaty sunglasses guide our eyes

Meanwhile the soft lull of our favourite band soothes our ears

Sending our hearts into a slow steady rhythm

Drying our tears and all the memories with them


But I'll keep dreaming of those lazy sunny days

Melted ice cream's dribbling down our deliciously red blistering

cheeks

And I'll soon learn to block out their screams





Regrettably, with love

In a world where hope seems scarce,

I promise to thread the few and fine dustings of my love in your

palms,

When trust is greedy and selfish,

I promise my hands are safe for your heart to melt in,

If loneliness threatens to consume you,

I promise to fill the hollow of your core with the scraps of my soul.

In a world that tries to batter your entity,

I promise to give you my all: now, forever and always.


But I don't think I could tell you that,

Not even if I tried.





Peace

Id never dared to dream about love

But something about the mellow of his soul

The chips of jade in his eyes

It beaconed something within me

Whether it was the strips of sun in his hair

The hoarse of his voice

Or his callous heart begging to be softened

It stirred hope in the cracks of my soul

It sewed light into the corners of my head, heart and being.

You did.





After you




What do I do?

The feathered laces of my Converse were too much for you.

The bleach stain on my bed sheet chased you away

The frizz of my hair sliced through your hand,

They were agape for more.


The baring of my teeth was oxymoronic to you

How can someone so sad be happy?

I turn back to my sadness, my longing

And you learned to be loud in the stillness





The darkest side of you

You told me I was like breathing in carbon

But I always viewed you as the silt that lines

The bottom of the sea.


The fine particles of it, some from centuries ago

Rub on the bellies of mackerels as they glide


Through the harbour, from above looking like chips of silver rolling

across the banking

Bellies grazing the salt trodden water

Although the silt is sunken beneath the sea

We mackerel soar upwards lying our eggs

You silt hide them for us unwillinglv


We leave, pacing down the harbour in streaks

Leaving you with our burden

But after all; I'm like breathing in carbon.





Nomads land

The silence is battering sometimes

It makes me feel dirty

I try and trap myself in my mind for protection

But it's still there

It may stop for a second as you craft your own world

It may seem wavering when you try and leave

But as soon as you close your eyes

And the pale glint of the moon bores through your soul

The drop in your chest can't be ignored

The sweat on your palms that feels like blood peeking with the

abundance of no one

The pounding of you heart you wish would stop

But that would mean you'd die

That would mean leaving a world that gave you nothing but

gaping wounds and rigid frowns

And you start to wonder if that's such a bad thing anymore

It doesn't seem so scary when you're alone.





Forbidden fruit

Girls like me don't curl up into a ball in the darkness of their

bedroom begging a god to take them away, using a knife as a

shrine, no. girls like me laugh as though freedom wraps around

them in a sickening abundance.


Girls like me don't try to drown themselves in bathtubs or hold

their breath until the beating of their heart slows, no. girls like me

discuss latest makeup products with their friends and gallivant

through the halls as though they own them


Girls like me don't write their own eulogies and memoirs to mourn

not the life they have, but the life they wished they had the

chance to live, no girls like me beg for the day to etch on longer,

rejoicing in the life they have, the life they are so blessed to live


Girls like me don't cry in school cubicles or feel so depressed the

familiarity of it becomes wallowing to them, something they can't

live without, no. girls like me look forward to cozy weekends in

bed, girls like me ignore how littered their hearts have become


Girls like me will never be helped because we're so unbelievably

happy girls like me never need help.





Drown

Sometimes I feel as though I'm in an ocean.

No bubbles or boats

Everything is still.

The water corrodes my head with a million thoughts

my loneliness steals my life jacket

As I bob my sullen head above the surface

I hate the stillness.


Saturday rituals

I wake up heart beating like a chorus

Back aching from the sofa I slept on


My belly feels like hot dripping tar

Waiting to harden as the postman comes


He knocks twice as I rub the sandman's presence from my eyes

and acknowledge him


Next, my nose melts at the smell of crackling bacon, ears rising at

the pads of paw steps


The great mound of fluff trods towards me,

Metallic saliva absolving me of all sadness


Until I hear footsteps thud downstairs and suddenly the bacon

smells like a death wish


Suddenly the postman becomes a saviour, a getaway from the

thud of his feet


All hell breaks lose: the boom of his voice the callous of his

tongue the stench of his breath


Now the bacon smells like my flesh and I don't know what to do


The postman waves goodbye, my chance of escape narrows and

Saturday traps me




Lady of sorrows


She tried to lie in the silence

Tried to marvel in its' supposed beauty

The candid moments it brought to others


But it frightened her.


Gave her time to bask in the lonely, empty void that surrounded

her


Gave her time to scratch her skin raw in need for someone


Anyone.


As tears

spilt down the familiar route of her rosy cheeks

Then trickled across her stinging lip

As she tasted the salty liquid of her displeasure

Allowing it to travel down her burning throat

Pleading for someone to drag her out of this gnawing silence


Anyone.


But no one ever came to Dolores







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