My collection encourages those to love the pain endured by heartbreak and explores the journey from a personal perspective/
The night you left
I remember the night it happened
I don't even think you realized
I remember the banging of a shelf
The walls were like paper.
I remember the smashing of your blackberry
The letters were faded.
I remember the screaming
I remember shoving on my tiny wedges at midnight
Walking up that hill I walk up everyday
I don't hold the railing anymore.
I remember an empty flat
The kitchen barren apart from tiger juice and cherry Bakewell's
I don't eat those anymore.
I remember curling up, frightened
And as 6 year old me lied in that bed with my lamb blanket
Wrapped around me, teary eyed,
I knew my life would never be the same.
Pink wedges
The following months after that night were hell
You'd bang on my mothers front door begging for forgiveness
I'd slip my wedges on holding my mothers hand
As she dragged me and my sister to the local Nisa
You'd honk in your car sticking up your middle finger
'd weep
No one would listen
I'd sulk on the way home the sugar melting off my jelly tots
I'd go to bed, eyes sore
Lump in my throat
And you'd go to work
After you left
I struggled to cope with you leaving
I'd grown silent, weary
I learned to stay out of my mother's way
One night she'd ask me to come downstairs
I'd stubbed my toe on the way down and blew my cheeks out like
a puffer fish
I couldn't cry.
She laid there in her velvet tracksuit and asked me to sit on her
lap
She phoned you and told me not to bottle it all up
did
The tv glared as I spoke, lies dripping from my mouth
Later you banged on the door
I lay in my bed silently waiting for the war
But then you knocked.
A mamma mia CD was placed on my bed
I watched it on repeat
Eyes drooping closed cautiously.
Why weren't my tears wiped?
School wasn't much better back then
I remember running around the playground alone
Evervone had someone. Except me.
I used to speak to the care taker
I'd stand next to him at break eating my raisins
When it rained I'd always ask him why it didn't sting my eyes
He'd say it's because it's water
There wasn't much to say to him
But he was someone.
Ring around the Rosie
I had two friends once at your old flat.
One much younger than me, an African boy
Another much older, her name was Charlotte I believe
Them and my sister and I would have picnics on the weekend
There wasn't much food but we'd sit on the shared garden
Eating different flavors of custard creams
The little boy would bring chocolate dippers
Charlotte ham sandwiches
Those were the times I didn't feel so lonely.
Loving you
Time
I miss the days we used to dream
The days when the future was what's and if's
I miss when the week-long bloom of tulips seemed like forever
When the difference between summer and winter felt like different
vears
I miss the then.
You
My heart throbs with the familiar ache
Staring into the distance thinking about the coming pain
And then it comes
A waft of blue and white dictates my eyes
Guarded by the door it looks at me
A tear brims in the corner of a pupil
Threatening to fall
Ruining it all
The stern look and unwavering frown
Unwillingly mellows my soul
Compulsively taking it all
Later I take a turn down the path of hope
I see it again
This time stalking towards me
For a second my lids are flowing with passion
But that is soaked up when you look through me
You know me
Don't you?
That glimmer of passion disappears
Instead replaced by an unfulfilled empty smile
Given to the kind gentle man that passes
Milking me into a puddle of regret
The solemn feeling of being alone
That everybody fawns over
Disappears when the mouth goes dry
And eventually loneliness captures you and i
But to me Loneliness and the sun create an ethereal eclipse
Now the only thing we fawn over is the sun spilling in
Summer kisses
I dream of a valley
Where the soft summer wind plays with our wisps of hair
The water trickling under the blazing heat
Radiating onto our browning backs
Whilst our smiles never crack
Our grins dominate the evergreen trees
And all the flowers that beam
Budding pure excellence
Felling our dreams
The laps of lush green grass wrap around us
Sweaty sunglasses guide our eyes
Meanwhile the soft lull of our favourite band soothes our ears
Sending our hearts into a slow steady rhythm
Drying our tears and all the memories with them
But I'll keep dreaming of those lazy sunny days
Melted ice cream's dribbling down our deliciously red blistering
cheeks
And I'll soon learn to block out their screams
Regrettably, with love
In a world where hope seems scarce,
I promise to thread the few and fine dustings of my love in your
palms,
When trust is greedy and selfish,
I promise my hands are safe for your heart to melt in,
If loneliness threatens to consume you,
I promise to fill the hollow of your core with the scraps of my soul.
In a world that tries to batter your entity,
I promise to give you my all: now, forever and always.
But I don't think I could tell you that,
Not even if I tried.
Peace
Id never dared to dream about love
But something about the mellow of his soul
The chips of jade in his eyes
It beaconed something within me
Whether it was the strips of sun in his hair
The hoarse of his voice
Or his callous heart begging to be softened
It stirred hope in the cracks of my soul
It sewed light into the corners of my head, heart and being.
You did.
After you
What do I do?
The feathered laces of my Converse were too much for you.
The bleach stain on my bed sheet chased you away
The frizz of my hair sliced through your hand,
They were agape for more.
The baring of my teeth was oxymoronic to you
How can someone so sad be happy?
I turn back to my sadness, my longing
And you learned to be loud in the stillness
The darkest side of you
You told me I was like breathing in carbon
But I always viewed you as the silt that lines
The bottom of the sea.
The fine particles of it, some from centuries ago
Rub on the bellies of mackerels as they glide
Through the harbour, from above looking like chips of silver rolling
across the banking
Bellies grazing the salt trodden water
Although the silt is sunken beneath the sea
We mackerel soar upwards lying our eggs
You silt hide them for us unwillinglv
We leave, pacing down the harbour in streaks
Leaving you with our burden
But after all; I'm like breathing in carbon.
Nomads land
The silence is battering sometimes
It makes me feel dirty
I try and trap myself in my mind for protection
But it's still there
It may stop for a second as you craft your own world
It may seem wavering when you try and leave
But as soon as you close your eyes
And the pale glint of the moon bores through your soul
The drop in your chest can't be ignored
The sweat on your palms that feels like blood peeking with the
abundance of no one
The pounding of you heart you wish would stop
But that would mean you'd die
That would mean leaving a world that gave you nothing but
gaping wounds and rigid frowns
And you start to wonder if that's such a bad thing anymore
It doesn't seem so scary when you're alone.
Forbidden fruit
Girls like me don't curl up into a ball in the darkness of their
bedroom begging a god to take them away, using a knife as a
shrine, no. girls like me laugh as though freedom wraps around
them in a sickening abundance.
Girls like me don't try to drown themselves in bathtubs or hold
their breath until the beating of their heart slows, no. girls like me
discuss latest makeup products with their friends and gallivant
through the halls as though they own them
Girls like me don't write their own eulogies and memoirs to mourn
not the life they have, but the life they wished they had the
chance to live, no girls like me beg for the day to etch on longer,
rejoicing in the life they have, the life they are so blessed to live
Girls like me don't cry in school cubicles or feel so depressed the
familiarity of it becomes wallowing to them, something they can't
live without, no. girls like me look forward to cozy weekends in
bed, girls like me ignore how littered their hearts have become
Girls like me will never be helped because we're so unbelievably
happy girls like me never need help.
Drown
Sometimes I feel as though I'm in an ocean.
No bubbles or boats
Everything is still.
The water corrodes my head with a million thoughts
my loneliness steals my life jacket
As I bob my sullen head above the surface
I hate the stillness.
Saturday rituals
I wake up heart beating like a chorus
Back aching from the sofa I slept on
My belly feels like hot dripping tar
Waiting to harden as the postman comes
He knocks twice as I rub the sandman's presence from my eyes
and acknowledge him
Next, my nose melts at the smell of crackling bacon, ears rising at
the pads of paw steps
The great mound of fluff trods towards me,
Metallic saliva absolving me of all sadness
Until I hear footsteps thud downstairs and suddenly the bacon
smells like a death wish
Suddenly the postman becomes a saviour, a getaway from the
thud of his feet
All hell breaks lose: the boom of his voice the callous of his
tongue the stench of his breath
Now the bacon smells like my flesh and I don't know what to do
The postman waves goodbye, my chance of escape narrows and
Saturday traps me
Lady of sorrows
She tried to lie in the silence
Tried to marvel in its' supposed beauty
The candid moments it brought to others
But it frightened her.
Gave her time to bask in the lonely, empty void that surrounded
her
Gave her time to scratch her skin raw in need for someone
Anyone.
As tears
spilt down the familiar route of her rosy cheeks
Then trickled across her stinging lip
As she tasted the salty liquid of her displeasure
Allowing it to travel down her burning throat
Pleading for someone to drag her out of this gnawing silence
Anyone.
But no one ever came to Dolores