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Green Eyed Academic Validation

A poem written on my inner thoughts about my crippling fear of failure.


I’m scared of trying

Because I’m scared I fall

I’m scared I do all the work- Just for it to mean nothing at all


I worry that I’m not doing as much as I can

But I swear I can’t help it

Im too scared of what will be said about me

If they see I am just as I am

And there’s nothing too special about that


I crave the validation

I crave the applause

I live for the desperation

And envy of others

when they too must climb

This hustle ladder

That will kill someone if they fall


But most of all I crave the pride

in my father’s eyes more

More than I crave the air that I breathe

The way he has only ever

looked at my siblings

That glow

That sparkle

Because they perform

top of their class

Every time

Without fail

And spend all day at their books

Aiming for the stars


All I ever get

Is the same tired look

The dim light of boredom

The eyes that see through me

As if calling on a phantom

Rather than my person

And always asking me

How I feel about my work

And even if I am satisfied

He never will be

Because I will never be her


Even when she failed she got praise

For failing gracefully

As opposed to I

Who fails,

according to him,

Loudly

With a crashing and burning

Of the world around me

As my lows are never allowed to be my own

But must always be broadcasted

To his members

So they can all learn from my mistakes


I see the way

they snicker

behind cupped palms

I hear the whispers

The moment I enter or exit a room

I always see the prying eyes

To see if I’m going to crack

I get the prodding fingers

Of questions


I wish I could fail loudly

Screaming in delight

And sigh in relief

When my shackles are cut from me

To fail with a crashing and burning

Ugly and in a blaze of fury

Taking the whole world

in flames up with me

And watching the embers fall

From the sky above me

The tears of heaven

That fall with me as I weep

The only eyes present

mine and the hosts

To fail before an audience

Whom meet from a place of understanding

Rather than cruel judgement

Contempt and mockery


I want the freedom to fall

And to be okay with it

And not feel the need to explain

Why or how I fell

And why I feel this twisted joy

At the hope of something giving

And getting better

The feeling of being able

To control one shard of life

Is what keeps the blood in my veins

Pumping


I want to fail in private

Without being made a spectacle

I want to fail

And not hate myself

Or my abilities

I wish to fail

And to not have his whole

Congregation find out

And have all of the pursed lips

And dull eyes

Ask me why she was always better


I want to be allowed to be me

And not compared to her

Or to them

Or to him

I want to be allowed to be satisfied

Instead of exhausting myself

And whittling myself down to the bone

Every day

indefinitely

Until I reach the so called perfect


The golden era

Of my so called

Academic success

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