The collection, "Conversations With Myself," is a reflection of my personal encounters. It tells a tale of the deepest and darkest events of my life, sworn to secrecy. So, I write them down; the things I want to say, the stories I wish to tell. These are conversations I have with myself.
I. My Anxiety & Me
I can hear the words of one just like me
I think they want me to answer, but my lips are sealed
Still, I open them but the words that come out play back in stutters
How I miss the quiet
The thump in my heart screams like a hazard
The heat closes in on my skin, then sinks in miles and miles within its measure
I hear the words of one just like me again
I feel myself going into a dead end
Anti-socialism has always been engraved in me
It’s what I’ve always been drowning in
I came out haunted,
every molecule I had took advantage
Never once given a chance, you see,
I was always destined for misery
I hear the words of one just like me
I’m encased by anxiety, thrown back and forth by my winning enemy
I’m short of sane mentality, it’s a nightmare
My anxiety and me
II. Little Child
I didn’t know, that back in the day
You were throwing my throne
I didn’t know, what it would’ve meant
To my little-girl-soul
Oh your treacherous glow
I took it for a charming, cynical delight
Your mastermind goal, who would’ve known
It was a plan to lose my sights
We moved into a love affair
Painting up a picturesque
view of my innocence
But you derived from my youthfulness
Washing your hands after a night of significance
Your skin touching my skin
But I burned from your cavalier lips
Nothing has been familiar
everytime I look in the mirror
While the memory stayed dark
The light bulb strikes before the upcoming lark
When I’m solely wrapped up in my own thoughts
I think back to a time
When a man was simply a man
And a little girl who lived without a fault
III. Hometown
Do you see my hometown?
It’s a field full of nothings now
All the buildings torn down
No more of the chirping sounds
Memories of the sunny afternoon
Haunted all my midnight blues
Once a view, but now a sad truth
Now there’s nothing left to lose
We ran and played on the shade of emerald green
The wind blew, and the kites were flying with glee
I had excitement hidden under my sleeves
Smiling from ear to ear, it was a beautiful memory
Such innocence came in the prospect of youth
Eating candy and ice cream, feeding my sweet tooth
For Barbie, and Disney, I pledged to them my childhood
I said, “If I had this forever, that’d be so cool!”
Hold on to your childlike whims
I promise it’s full of valuable means
Sometimes I wonder about my teddy bear, Winnie
Would he be proud of me? Honestly?
I wonder if he would be
IV. Crime
The smell of your corrupted lungs
I must admit, it used to entice me with such charm
your bad boy moves kept me together like glue
I’ll tell you, poison never tasted so good
all our puzzle pieces fit together
our love story went on like a harmonious weather
But like a sudden wave of earth’s tantrums
You hit me like a brick, full of bloodied anger
I was your anchor, but I was weak and bruised
And just like a fool, you remain my solitude
I should call you my crime
you were forbidden, illegal and full of cursed demise
but I was completely blind,
to your torturous mind
I was mindless,
you were heartless
Cruelty ran through your flesh and bones
Yet I let you sit on my throne
I won’t forgive, nor will I forget
But I’ll cherish the good that we had
a cliche I know, “your love felt like butterflies”
but in the end, let’s be honest, it was nothing short of lies
V. Stolen Whisper
In all my days, I never found my place
Even with you, I never found my face
Though I felt you there, even with your warm embrace
I could never call you my saving grace
Maybe the wolf cried ‘terror!’ in vain
But when you left, every part of me screamed your name
Your memories, painted and flushing through my veins
The doctors refused to pick out my pain
I said goodbye and heard my heartstrings tearing
It sounds like a cancer-filled death is nearing
Did you ever notice my faith wavering?
Because of you, my name was sinning
I felt like a stolen whisper
You stole my voice, now my message is unclear
I never took you for a lover’s crime
I always thought you were a sweet lullaby
Never mind, it was time for a goodbye
VI. Lilac Dream
I fell in a rabbit hole
And with each passing day, I lost my backbone
It felt like I was a complete stone
I had riches on the surface
Sadness disguised as scratches
I lived a world full of madness
Before you came along, I thought I knew better
But then the world shined brighter
And my heart grew warmer
Soon enough, lilac dreams clouded my mind
And suddenly I stopped feeding my lust for crime
I could've sworn, you came in as a lullaby
I think cupid was there, but he was scarlet
You were an exquisite thing, so maybe he was an angel incarnate
You laughed at my jokes, and replaced my prison with flowers
Slowly, my world bloomed with a smile and fresh harvests
After a number of hopeless romantics,
Who knew that I’d be struck with my destined love story?
I dreamt of a paradise, but never have I imagined a real-life fantasy
I found a way out of the rabbit hole
I lost my riches, but I’ve got a heart of gold
With you by my side, how could I ever feel alone?
VII. Rose-Coloured Glasses
We’re lucky to experience this kind of romance
Does it feel like love in its theatrical sense?
Or do you think it mimics that of a celestial event?
I think it’s what Shakespeare would have read
My midnight wish is that this romance won’t be momentary
For I love the homey musk in that body scent you carry
This affair of ours is almost tangible, no signs of tragedy
I pray to God that that is what it will he
Did you know your eyes follow that of a crescent moon?
When you smile, you glow like the sunset’s hue
Truly adorable, everyday I’m thankful
For how could I have been so lucky that my prophecy is you?
If I’m blind, please keep it secret
My rose-coloured glasses are what keeps me full of spirit
With exception to your warm embrace, it’s astonishingly sacred
Cherish me in your heart, and I promise you this story will be infinite
VIII. Winnie The Pooh
If I could paint a picture of my childhood,
I’d paint up Winnie The Pooh
I’d throw a ceremony for that yellow face
He stays in my memory like childlike faith
Resilient, happy and curious
The times spent with him was simply luxurious
Wouldn’t change it for the world
His honey-covered hands, he was simply absurd
I’d cuddle with him as I sleep
With my little nightlight, and my innocent dreams
At school, I’d name him my best friend
I’d show him off to everyone in the land
Looking back, he would have made growing up a lot easier
A reminder of him would’ve made my mind a little clearer
Oh that bundle of joy, how I’ve missed him and his pointy nose
All the adventures up in the meadows, it was a life full of hope
IX. Red Lights
‘Warning, warning!’
The lights were screaming red
And a stop sign, appears in the back of my head
‘Leave, or forever be scarred’
But my stubborn bones kept screaming ‘Lies!’
I went and went
Kept my bulletproof, young heart, in kempt
But nobody ever made a living at camp
Exposed my skin, and sold my youthful innocence
But none of the riches’ measure, could hide my shameful scent
‘Warning, warning!’
Too late to turn back time
These running tears, drained of my might
Only left with scissored down pride, to complement my broken wings
If masculinity taught me anything, it’s that they’d take down everything
Should there be a soul in sight, catch them before they make an escape
One could not live in this world, without their heart kept safe
I’ve lost the security laced in my bones,
every time a man leaves me his throne
‘Warning, warning!’
Forever be scarred, indeed
To what do I owe the misery?
The red lights, has no silver lining
X. Aphrodite
I love touching your skin
It’s like summer and winter wrapped into one
The way you paint your lips onto me
Like an element of surprise of being the one you want
It’s tattooed in my heart, that this love won’t be counterfeit
But I’ll confess my truth, my veins and my insecurities are intertwined
Do you think I’m pretty, like the goddess Aphrodite?
Would you inject your love into me like Greek times?
I’m not searching for fatal attractions
I won’t beg for a lie or a Shakespeare love affair
But I do ask for your confession
What is love if not just and fair?
I think your eyes hold the jewel of innocence
Adam & eve could never defeat your measure
Your beauty is that of masculine elegance
But pray tell, do I give your eyes pleasure?
XI. Midnight Conversations
Midnight conversations always comfort me
It’s always full of pain injected so deeply
So full of starlight hope and pretty galaxy wonder
We’re truly human when our masks are stripped from under
Secrets are shared, feelings are confessed
The midnight truth could be exciting or leave a mess
Some say it’s human atoms that come to coalesce-
when human meets human, and they’re all undressed
The moment is beautiful when the clock strikes twelve
It’s when we all come together to meet ourselves
Freed from painful realms and hard shells
Engaging in midnight conversation, is to be compelled
XII. A Bully Strikes
‘Hear, hear!’
The bullies are here
Come to show their might, and bring about fear
Pray for the citizens, they are the inferior
They’ve come to kill, they’ve got hands of a killer
‘Hear, hear!’
Beware of their canons,
they’ll target your souls
And leave you abandoned
Their hands like devil, your lives they’ll dampen
Despite the light, your days they’ll darken
‘Hear, hear!’
Please be my witness
My bones are poisoned from their deadly venoms
Their greatest gift is their greatest weakness
A bully strikes, and claims their vengeance
Leave me authority, I’ll have them sentenced
Give them death, and take away their descendants
The blood of a bully will stay contagious
Look at all the damage, they’re all infected
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