Preparation,
preparing myself for hurt.
Destination,
doing overtime to be where I want.
Exclamation,
screaming all my wins.
In the beginning, I didn't even know I had to build a relationship with myself; I always thought I knew myself and that was enough.
During the first lockdown is when I suffered the most. I went through a slight depressive episode and developed anxiety. It was never really fear because I was never afraid, but rather I think it was shock that would give me panic attacks. Having a panic attack, for me, always feels like my world is crumbling from the inside out. I start breathing a lot heavier and faster, my vision becomes blurred and, depending on where I am, my ability to hear changes. Sometimes voices are drowned out, or sometimes I can hear all sorts of things.
Learning how to deal with them was another step I had to take to better myself. Compared to before, I definitely don't have them as much because I've developed coping mechanisms or, in some cases, eliminated the "fear". But this is not to say that I don't have them every now and then.
I can't speak for others, but my physical outlook surely takes a toll on my mental health. So, being in lockdown without being able to get my hair done and my skin looking really bad wasn't helpful at all. I kept telling myself to "wait on it" for the sake of sanity, but day by day it got harder. Facing the same four walls, doing the same things day in day out was getting too repetitive.
I think going through this made me more self-dependant because I, for one, couldn't gage whether my issues were serious or not, and I didn't want to face any judgement by whomever I confided in, so I kept my feelings to myself. The trick was to actively confront whatever I was going through and not let those experiences build up inside of me. Doing so only creates more problems down the line. Therefore, I made it a mission to try not to burden other people with my struggles and figure out myself on my own.
Obviously, this wasn't exactly the best decision to make, for it made me quite closed off and I became an ignorant friend. This was one of the hardest things for me because I had always tried to be the friend there for those who need me, so when I can't provide? It's difficult. You feel like you're letting people down, even though you weren't obligated to help them in the first place. And this leads to my next point.
Due to this, I asked for people to lower their expectations of me, or just not have them at all. I had previously set the bar high for myself, thinking I could attain that goal regardless of the situation. Though it came to a point where I grew tired of going above and beyond for everyone but me. Even though I wanted to depend on myself, I didn't know how. I had to start exploring different ways of release my feelings. At the time, I was also experiencing writer's block and none of my usual methods of consolation were working. So instead of focussing on a project, I made one for myself.
I wrote about me.
I documented how I was feeling and tried to delve into maybe why, but overall it was a good source of release.
Also, kudos to me for making this so well written, because it was easy to flip into a character's perspective and put the writing to use. So much for writer's block.
Another source of release for me was poetry, which played a big part in expressing my feelings- It felt like a code. I was saying what needed to be said but it just couldn't be read by the naked eye. My love for poetry came from my love for music. I've never really been one to song write or compose beats, but I can string a few words together, and they always depict what I was going through.
I think once I rediscovered my love for music my whole view on life itself changed. Sometimes I undermine the power of music and what it can do for you. Rediscovering music is fun, but rediscovering one of your favourite artists? That's an experience you'll never forget. For me, music isn't just a place I go to when I need to wind down. I get mesmerized by the creation and feel the desire to recreate it because of how it makes me feel.
These were methods that really helped me get in touch with myself. While I might've known these aspects of my identity previously, I never really acted on them. Building on yourself only makes you more confident when you're surrounded by others. You have to keep in mind that I didn't plan to rediscover music or become an ignorant friend, I stumbled across it within my search of growth and learnt how to deal with my obstacles along the way.